i dont really understand how everything works. i get so sick of everyone placing great importance on events and objects that dont actually impact anything. ive taken a step back from the importance of my life, but now im kind of stepping back from everyone and seeing how pointless this all is. we rush around on a daily basis, worrying and crying and feeling anxious, but in time, all of this will be forgotten. its a grim way to look at it, but it is very much the truth. we care about what goes in our bodies, how we present ourselves, what we say, how we act, what we buy, when we sleep, where we live. everything is controlled by this underlying social expectation. i hate how we have developed as humans. yes, everything seems to work. the governments keep us in order, we have rules to follow so we dont all end up killing eachother and we appear to live in peace, but i wish it could be different. i wish money didnt control us like robots. i wish society didnt forumlate this idea that skinny is perfection and obesity is disgusting. i wish religion didnt influence the idea that humans of the same gender cannot be sexually involved. i wish that the colour of someone’s skin didn’t dictate the way they are treated, or have been treated in history. over time ive learnt to observe the world and slowly depise it more and more everday. we turned life, an incomprehensible miracle, into something so structured and planned out. we tamed a wild beautiful beast, put it in a cage and taught it how to be. when i say that i wish i could no longer exist, it is not because i dont think i deserve to be alive. it is not because i have depression or self esteem issues or because i dislike my weight or how i look. those reasons do not influence the way i feel about death. i so desperately wish people could understand that the reason i would ever kill myself is because i cannot live in this world. i can not sit here with this hatred in my mind for the way our society, our lives and our self importance has been developed and moulded so horribly wrong. i know there is nothing that can be done, we cannot erase the history and make it so we lived a carefree life. i know this. but i find it so hard to live, when i see no hope in the future. i see no real point in living this life as every system, every judgement, every decision, it is all flawed. it is all built on this idea of how the world is supposed to be. the statistics showing how many people have depression, eating disorders, anxiety and all the rest. we’ve done this to ourselves, and i hate the idea, deep down in my bones, that all of this destruction inflicted on the human race; we did it to ourselves. we are to blame. we are the monsters.